GayHoopla: Kellan Hartmann, Price Hogan and Rico Vega Hook Up

No_No_No_Yes says:

As I said in another post, I suspect word of the ridiculous money Kellan was allegedly paid got round prior to this shoot. Aside from the director’s incompetence, I totally get the feeling some noses were out of joint over what he got paid, and at least some of what went terribly wrong could well be attributed to a pretty obvious attempt to make him look bad.

I wasn’t going to finish this, but after having watched the rest for a second time – this really needed to be done. ANYONE who is flaming Kellan for what went wrong with this fucking “garage” level scene.. ya’ll are full of shit. I place 100% of the blame for this assault on the good gay folk on the “director”, who was CLEARLY not at the top of his class in film school.

I am no Kellan stan, in fact I have never even seen his old scenes. But short of knocking Rico the fuck out, I don’t see where he could have fixed a fucking thing here.Start to finish, EVERY time he tried to move in, if Rico didn’t cock block him, Price shut him out.

It did look for a second there when they were on the table like Price was going to show mercy on him when he started sucking his dick, but I think that was just enough “clever cover” to keep it from looking like they deliberately set out to make him look bad, which I am pretty convinced they did.

Regardless, the director is the whip hand. Can’t control your models? Go back to the Walmart family Photography studio. This was probably the most incomprehensible case of inept production I can remember. That includes the old fat fuck with the little dick – Gemini men was it? He used to fuck street trade on a box covered with a blanket and black shower curtains as a backdrop. YES – even HIS creepy ass work was better than this.

Video time line – the clock doesn’t lie.

1st 3 minutes – dumb fuckery.

3:15 The freezout begins. Price and Rico close ranks.

4:03 Price sticks his fingers in Kellan’s crack Kellan rolls eyes.Rico sucks Kellan’s dick for five seconds, and ditches.

4:20 Price and Rico locked again.

4:30 Ass slap fight begins, Rico grabs price and moves him.

4:49 Rico cracks Kellan back. (these are not love taps)

5:00 Price makes 2nd grab for Kellans hole, (NOBODY hard yet)

5:30 Rico sees Kellan’s leg go up and straight tries to slap his hole (possibly his nuts). Sticks Kellan’s dick in his mouth for 2 seconds, DROPS IT goes back to ignoring him while kissing Price.

5:53 Snubbed, Kellan gets behind Rico who is STILL kissing Price. Awkward humping.

6:02 1st Cut – Scene shifts to table

So far, NOBODY is hard, A small ass slapping war, mostly Rico and Price making out pulling limp dicks, while Kellan wanders back and forth looking for an opening sporadically getting his peen licked for 5 seconds here and there. Now at this point, if I am directing – I have 6 minutes of jack fuckall, 3 models with cherry red asses and not a hardon in site? I am sitting these three clowns down for a come to Jesus talk.

6:14 Kellan face up on table, kissing Price, Rico seriously handling Kellan’s dick like it smelled bad.

6:26 Rico sucks Kellan’s peen for 11 seconds. E L E V E N seconds.

6:37 Rico now kissing his PUBES? Price got tired of upside down liplock now sucking his tit for a second before rubbing him, BOTH now rubbing him.. nice kitty.

7:08 Rico put’s Kellan’s leggs up like he’s gonna change his oil, begins fake ass eating. Price will now suck Kellan’s dick for 58 seconds.. and we are wondering why he soft.

8:06 Fake grilling over, Price and Rico drop the dick to make out again. Oddly for that WHOLE minute and a half Kellan was sucking Price.

8:22 Price now sucking Rico. Kellan still got his head dangling off a table sucking Price.

8:33 Rico tugs Kellan’s dick for 5 seconds, Price sucks it for 5 seconds, BACK to Rico’s dick who is now holding Kellan’s dick like it stink.

9:00 Our boy Kellan has now been sucking Price 3 minutes 15 seconds. Price gives a lick and a half assed tug. BACK to sucking Rico. Kellan gets bored and starts playing with Price’s hole.

10:00 Kellan on the job for 3 minutes 45 seconds getting nothing more than a stiff neck, Rico semi hard.

I am now 10 minutes into this fuckery, I’d be callin time out and when we returned all THREE of their asses would be stoplight red. TRUST. You’d see the broken paddle on the floor in the next cut. Almost half way through my high priced talent got nothing but a sore neck and whisker burns and his BALLSACK ain’t even WET!? His big dick laying there like a dead mackerel!? Imma fuck some bitches up. In slow motion I see now why this dude was not worried about lighting. Fucking neighbors would be calling cops cuz it sounded like people were getting killed.

Now. At this point these three red assed mutherfuckers would be laid out in an old school daisy chain on the floor with orders that NOBODY gets up again till all three are rock fuckin hard. I’d even spit on them as I yelled to get things started.

10:05 Price starts suckin that dick, Kellan’s back on the job, Rico starts fake eating Price’s ass, while the only almost hard dick in the scene no doubt wilts.

10:35 Scene cut 2.

10:39 This whole scene goes from shitty to stupid and shitty. Rico moves to the couch so Price can now CRAWL accross Kellan to eat Rico’s ass. Because yeah that’s gonna help. Kellan is left to finger fuck Price, The best thing in the scene now is the toss pillows.

11:26 Price heaves forward so Kellan can’t reach his hole, Kellan, now thoroughly bored starts jiggling Price’s ass. I’M DED. His eyes cut to the side (presumably at the director) like “what? what the fuck you wan’t here?!” (director is crying)

11:44 Kellan realizes he can still reach Price’s hole, resumes finger fucking.

NOTE: We are now half way through this abortion, and not a single close up, MAINLY because NOTHING has happened worth getting close to. Camera fades.. or you passed out of boredom – you decide.

11:56 Scene cut 3.

11:59 Now on the wall standing Rico now magically hard is fucking Price. Because this is gay porn and at the middle of the play bar people be fuckin. It’s a rule.

12:11 FIRST actual view of dick in butt (I think) fuzzy fucking focus, still not “closeup” but it does look like dick is in butt.

12:20 These fools put Kellan on his knees spitting on Rico’s dick. You paid 28K for a guy to be a human lube dispenser. I’m DED again.

12:38 Rico loosin his wood, slips out. This is a high point.

12:58 Now Kellan is slobbering on Price’s back – cuz Rico locked him out of his lube job. Price is screamin like he is getting killed (actually it was a loose trim nail in his shoulder.)

13:08 Frame cuts out the actual fucking in favor of the back of Rico’s head, and Kellan standing there like he’s lost. Rico tags out.

13.12 Alert the media, Kellan got himself hard and the fucking starts.

14:05 Camera frame all the fuck over the place, no it can’t be.

14:06 YEP! Scene cut 4.

So. Recap. Price got fucked for 2 minutes. Of that Rico got 1 minute 8 seconds, Kellan 43 seconds. Your “Star” JUST gets to fuckin and you yell cut? You are some kinda special. STILL no real closeups and the camera/lighting/focus is all a joke.

14:07 You got ambitious, now Rico is up Price’s ass, Kellan up Rico’s ass (we think) and they are all carrying on. All this against a wardrobe (wood significance?) I have seen some dumb shit but for real? They didn’t have an old hat rack they could lean on?

14:19 First “almost” closeup, camera so far out of focus and light so bad you can’t really make out shit. It is the worst undercarriage shot *I* have ever seen.

14:54 These three are so close together, you can’t actually tell if they are fucking or dancing, Kellan get’s bored and starts watching the squirrels play out the window. OMG

15:05 They are all standing there wiggling – no damn way Kellan is actually in Rico’s ass.

15:12 Scene cut 5. 1 minute 5 seconds of what might have been fucking. We are not sure.

So. 15 minutes 12 seconds in you have cut F I V E fucking times, and you got T H R E E minutes 6 seconds of “possible” fucking. (2 minutes of ACTUAL *we think*)

15:12 Scene shifts to a bed, Price fuckin Rico. 5 seconds later joined by Kellan at Rico’s head PRAYING to get some head out of this deal. Cameraman is lost in space, fails to even GET to that end of the bed. It’s not like he was filming fucking.

16:03 Kellan, who is inches away from Price with Rico fake eating his ass, (seriously wiggling your tongue AT his hole?) is making puppy dog eyes at Price. Price finally leans in and gives him a brief smooch. *awkward*

16:28 Long distance camera finally moves in – not close, but you can make out the faces now. Inexplicably the frame moves away from the fake ass eating to a pile of commingled limbs, and part of Rico’s head, then half ass pans back to the limbs – Is this fool drunk?

Now keep in mind Rico would need the tongue of an Ardvark to actually be licking Kellan’s hole – if then, we can’t ACTUALLY SEE Kellan’s hole, in fact this is now TWICE he was fake grilled Kellan’s ass and NO clear sight of asshole let alone a close up. I’m DED AGAIN! (How many times is this I died?)

16:44 We see the distance view again of what may or may not be Price fucking Rico. He is straight up slapped skin to skin up against Rico, NO sight of dick or stroke, certainly no sign of penetration. I dunno bout you bitches – but for me? NO close up? It didn’t happen. Fucking amateurs.

Scene cut 6. S I X scene cuts. In 17 minutes.

Through the magic of.. Oh fuck who cares, we are NOW in the bathroom.

16:57 Rico smushed to Price’s ass. A few strokes and BAM peen sighting, probable penetration, still no closeup.

17:23 Frame flashes to Kellan, stroking his poor rejected cock, alone on the sink.

17:40 Rico having peen issues. CLEARLY not hard, fakes stuffing his dick back in the moaning Price, closing the fuck motion again so no peen can be seen.

17:53 The frame snaps BACK over to – well some of Kellan, like, part of his nose, 1/2 his body while barely catching Price fake fucking in the medicine chest. GREAT shot, they totally captured the essence of that wall socket.

17:59 FRAME snaps back to the most ridiculous angle I have ever seen, (that includes drunken friends on cheap cell phones) Focus has been out the window all through this mess, we are now staring down at Price’s future bald spot.

18:09 BOTH models turning away from the shot, some kinda dirty laundry on the floor, all that is missing a a giant turd in the toilet and at LEAST this could make a good hilarious GIF down the road.

18:12 Frame snaps back to Kellan, who by now has lost all feeling in his feet along with any hopes of getting it wet.

18:15 Frame snaps back, now to a wide view of the most absurd waste of bytes since the invention of computers.

18:28 Lame fucking and hair pulling, I guess he had to keep him moaning somehow.

18:34 Frame snaps to the opposite side of the lame fucking. No close ups, ZERO penetration shots. HOW is this even possible?

18:44 Frame snaps back to the wide angle, Kellan doing Algebra while trying to get hard.

18:57 Frame snaps back to “wall socket view”, Oh look there is a second one.

19:13 Frame snaps back to wide angle, more lame fake fucking, Price can hardly fake moan anymore, it appears Kellan gave up on his dick, all this back and forth made him dizzy.

19:20 BUT WAIT – he was fakin, he just willed himself to cum. Camera appears to come unhinged, or the dude straight up fell asleep. Frame all over the place.

19:33 Frame now who knows where, I’m lost.

19:38 Rico pulls out, flacid so lightning fast wraps his hand round his junk.Camera snaps back to wide view as he pulls off the condom. I wonder how many takes that took? (I swear when he supposedly pulled out it did not look like there was even a condom there. I refuse to look at this shit fest again to confirm)

20:18 No less than 5 back and forth camera angle flips,(since 19:38) I’m fucking dizzy, Rico furiously flogging his limp dick, this mess is now officially out of control. Camera snaps BACK to fuck I can’t keep track, as Kellan wanders over to see if this will EVER end. Did Rico cum? I never saw it.

20:30 Kellan and Rico both kneeling for Price to split his load between them. I am truly shocked they didn’t make Kellan scoop his load off the floor and bring it with him to rub on himself so Price could save all his spunk for Rico.

20:14 All rise, Kellan again leans in to try and get some sugar, Price straight up turns away! Gives him SIDE FACE!! Then kisses Rico instead.

21:35 Some stupid fucktard asks Kellan what he had all over him as he beats feet into the tub. Dumb asses, so much for no more stupid talking.

21:50 Price laying more sugar on Rico as these idiots thought it would be hot to put three models who just totally fucked the pooch in the tub as they fade out. How original.

There was no short way to really sort out this masterpiece. The way these hacks jumped around with the camera it is easy to see why people might initially think Kellan was the culprit. Not a fuckin chance. He didn’t have a snow ball’s chance in hell of “getting into” the scene. People did a tidy job of seeing to it.

I initially thought Price was the bigger problem, but it soon became obvious as fuck Rico was just as culpable if not more. This wasn’t a porn scene it was a hazing.

HOW in 2018 does an entire scene get shot without a SINGLE view of an asshole getting stuffed. How do you have what is allegedly a high priced model in a scene getting his ass eaten without a SINGLE view of his actual asshole?! HOW the ACTUAL fuck do you have a hung dude manage to get his cock sucked for UNDER 3 minutes?! Then to top it off – he FUCKS for under a minute?! Finally – you have him blow his load on the floor.

17 scenes huh. THIS should be EPIC.

I won’t even say how much time was murdered to detail this pathetic mess. It deserved to be done. That bitch “RG” didn’t quit, he ran before he got fired.

I need a Valium.

onecrotchman says:

October 28, 2018 at 7:18 pm

This is so funny lmao and I couldn’t believe myself I read the entire comment despite the incorrect name of Rico. 😂😂😂

No_No_No_Yes says:

October 28, 2018 at 9:36 pm

LOL I fixed it and finished it. I can’t leave shit unfinished – it stares at me in my sleep.

SacsayhuamanAntoninus says:

October 28, 2018 at 7:07 pm

@disqus_BIDJtBf3zj:disqus Thanks For This Really appreciate this

CarlA says:

October 29, 2018 at 6:42 am

This is probably single handedly the “GREATEST” porn review I have EVER or will ever read!!!!

No_No_No_Yes says:

October 29, 2018 at 8:07 am

LOL!! Awe, I don’t think I’d go that far but thanks! Honestly, my curiosity just takes me down strange paths some times. This scene seemed to be SO built up in the pre-game ad campaign I was really genuinely surprised at the discourse I was seeing.

I mean really, a studio makes a spectacle of it’s “total revamp” and more glaringly parades a “GAY production company” the expectation level for me was guarded, even when they released the stills and trailer I remained determined to wait for the goods. But I was reading a lot of really high hopes here.

However, I am not new to this strategy lol. Watching the furor grow – the anticipation, and high hopes.. then the Sheppard debut/debacle, and the ensuing fallout from that. ALL feeding the flames, and holy shit did that open a can of worms.

Now comes the big unveil, and people are all over the place and can’t seem to figure out what the fuck they just saw. Many blaming Kellan, others Rico, ALL seemed to be SLAYING the scene. I couldn’t even get the trailer to load and the shit was hitting the fan faster than quick got ready. SO. I found a tube site that ALREADY had the scene.

In total disbelief that this could be “that bad”, I sat through all agonizing 22 minutes and 20 seconds. STILL could not believe my eyes. I knew I wasn’t seeing what others seemed to be reporting, so I decided to dissect it. The outcome you just patiently read. (I’d be suing if I actually PAID for it)

I am truly BAFFLED that GH already HAD this scene, no doubt watched it and STILL had the audacity to make that press release, let alone film another 16 scenes. If I were an owner and looked at this utter disgrace, there would have been bodies flying EVERYWHERE. Like beat a fucker with another mutherfucker kinda RAGE. I sure as HELL would have fired the fuck out of EVERYONE attached to this – save the models, who would have been re-shooting the scene gratis or looking for a new fucking studio.

To have been so grotesquely incompetent to move forward with the announcement, the campaign, and the release? Up until fairly recently they executed people in China over less. I’d say I’m speechless but clearly that moment sailed. Now I am just reveling in the level of stupid.

As for “RG”, the mystery production company.. DUDE!! I saw better work in my high school films class from sophomores working with shit equipment and drop lights. You gotta be the 50 year old gay virgin, who has NEVER seen gay porn of ANY kind and is SCARED of PENIS and ASSHOLE to put together a fucked up mess like this. If you were more than an equipment mule to a third tier wedding videographer in Podunk, you might still have done better than this.

I am still mentally going over in my head what it had to have been like for the models in that bathroom, watching these deranged squirrels racing back and forth with the equipment all the while trying to keep a hardon, let alone keep from laughing. No wonder Price kept turning his head away from the camera.

To THEN go on Twitter, and make your own announcement regarding your “separation”… Like you are Cecil B. fucking DeMille?!! Delusional and potentially insane covers it.

Mind BLOWN.

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/81582f3e899abd8cfebfa13a93d01d9fd5af0defded1f93f1251b841d98b4615.gif

Tempest says:

October 29, 2018 at 10:59 am

My dude relax, you can’t post so many good stuff LOL but yes, I had a bad feeling the very first second I watched the solo of that Bruce/Jude whatever his name is now guy and I thought “well, this ain’t good”.

And now the big test comes out and I’m like “well fuck you”. RG, or RaunchyGeek, really is clueless for being a gay professional director and if you’re out here reading this, then I don’t care, you’re still bad.

Over 22 minutes I only got one, ONE, O N E damn closeup of the actual fucking and it was a mess and not even mentioning the faux cumshot, this was hella bad for all performers involved.

The studio really looks bad after this and if this basic director made 16 other scenes like this then I’mma grab some popcorn because it’s gonna be fun.

Mark says:

October 29, 2018 at 10:46 am

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fa5ab7e6e38fefb9007dbe015a92dcd18ad009fa16ad3583b2dd652a85f75155.jpg

The devil works hard, but you work harder.

Scrapple says:

October 29, 2018 at 2:51 pm

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b1f4d5a4fb2faf676eed1a65e95729ac329349707d48e1a774f9c971c02b2385.gif

No_No_No_Yes says:

October 29, 2018 at 5:37 pm

LOL