I started off the day confused as I usually do. Why’s the coffee coming out of the filter basket? Where did I leave my keys last night when I stumbled in at 2 a.m.? In the ignition?

The last thing I needed was important choices to make, but they threw themselves at me first thing when I went to the Web sites owned ‘n operated under the BigMuscle umbrella. If you’re not familiar–c’mon, you know you’ve at least looked at him, or maybe him (and definitely him). Cruise around enough and you don’t just want to join all the meat with your own profile, you seriously want to plan your vacation around the next group gathering, whether it’s the White Party or Lazy Bear.

But which one’s right for you? Sidle up to BigMuscle – the first site put up in 1999 by Andy and Bill, owner/operators of the Web site trio – and the questions get pretty personal. “Why do you think YOU are a BigMuscle Guy?” “Have you been to the GYM or Worked out 3 times or more in the past week?” “Your BMI Index is within standard guide lines for a Body Builder or BigMuscle Guy?” Answer correctly and you’re in the pantheon. Get it wrong and you can be an “admirer,” which is a polite way of saying you can watch while all us hot fuckers get it on in the steam room.

NormalGay, in contrast, sounds like it should be less rulebound, doesn’t it? “For guys who may not live at the gym, understand the term ‘Woof’ when spoken to them or just don’t like body parts sites. For men with no category,” it promises. But apparently, they’re not all that different from the rest of us: fill out the profile and you’ll be asked how big your cock is and how often you’re a top, by percentage. And the ads aren’t really toned down, if you go by the saucy one that caught our eye: “Partnered, with permission to play…hairy, hung, and uncut a plus…pits, man scents, working class are also big turn-ons.”

Of course, if you don’t want rules, and don’t mind a little girth where it doesn’t count, you can click over to BigMuscleBears, where the standards of entry are lower—but the crowds still seriously hot (and obviously, hairier). All you have to do is tell them “why do you think YOU are a BigMuscleBears Guy?” And that’s it. No hurdles to jump, except adding a few pictures – and getting woofed at on occasion.

All that, and I still I can’t figure it out which one’s best for me. Maybe coffee really doesn’t mix well with cold medication.

Poetry’s been written about it (really – we’ll show you the stall wall where we read it), and many an online personal ad has been punctuated with the same sentiment: “See you at Steamworks!” The fact is, there’s hardly a bathhouse across the country like this Chicago landmark, positioned ideally about halfway up Halstead Street in the Windy City. Why’s it so windy? Apparently, everyone’s blowing something or someone here at Boystown’s own warm, welcoming love canal. That’s the way we like it — and even when we need a breather from the nonstop hunky crowd stuffing the maze room to its gills, there’s always the edgy hot tub and all its nooks and crannies to explore, the real gym upstairs that actually induces real workouts, and above all, the sunny front-door staff that does everything to accommodate short of a wake-up call and a warm buttery croissant. The club has everything from lights-out parties to biweekly STD testing. And when you’re finally fucked out, there’s always a vibrant Chicago nightlife waiting for you outside–or maybe more likely, an early-morning Caribou Coffee nearby so you can grab a quick one and still get out of the parking garage before premium rates apply.

Visit Steamworks Online

Showing now at gay and lesbian film festivals across the country, Gay Sex in the ’70s probably won’t be the movie of the week on Fox Family, we predict fearlessly. But it’s one of those queer documentaries that smart guys and horny guys alike can appreciate, as it shows a major nostalgic hard-on for the pre-HIV gay world (and underworld) of New York City, all captured and remembered from the years between the 1969 Stonewall riots and the first reported case of AIDS in 1981.

Former 20/20 producer Joseph Lovett culls it all: There’s sex on subways, sex in the back of parked trucks, sex on dance floors, and even more cunningly, sex in a bed. Larry Kramer and Tom Bianchi show up in appropriate cameo doses. Even if you were never envious of the disco-n-drugs era, its hard to argue with the fact that there’s just more sex, more cruising, more body hair and definitely, more repeated-fisting injuries than you’d see in a year’s worth of outings to today’s Lure.

Take a look at the official Web site, or at three trailers from the film here. (Yes, the advertising roadblocks at iFilm suck, but you won’t see this one by feeding dollar bills into a slot, now, will you?)